to myself

you never know what will happen. life goes up as they say and it also goes down. in life you will just sometimes feel lost, but God will always be there to guide you. well i truthfully am crazy lost i don't know where to go. i am useless i feel a lot. i feel really lonely. i see my sisters go out. i am pretty jealous you have so many friends and they a like you A LOT. they are all really nice (in some ways or as they appear). though how my sisters treat them is really pained to me, for me that i have nowhere to go, no one asking me to spend time with them, its the rarest things that happen to me. barely invited to any birthday parties in my childhood. barely invited out from friends. friends don't really go out of their way for me, but i try my best to. my sisters barely even touch my home sometimes, and i live in it for basically the whole of my break unless there is some kind of family party, christian event, or some lesson or extracurricular. oh how i miss spending time when i was young where it was understandable to be at home. one childhood memory sticks in my head playing at my friend jasmine's house those days were probably the best times of my life where imagination was at its peak.

pca

am i going to actually be able to go back? i don't know. i really want to, but me and my mom had a conversation today she was trying to push towards to staying in tss. but i was fighting but then she recommending going to unionville by doing the hard process in signing for arts in westmount then transferring to unionville arts because its the only way to get into unionville. but i was hoping all this time to be able to go back. you see pca is my life .. and my home. what's wrong with going back for my friends. they are a part of my life and i want to make more than a part of my life and no less. i don't want to lose the relationships and friends of what i have left. i am not like my sisters who have a hundred good friends that sticks with them and hangs out with them and does not leave them. (this didn't come out rite, but its just those friends that actually will notice your existence and make the most of it). all the pain from pca i would rather relive than to not have been in pca. tss and pca is the same education wise, but i feel i've got what i needed from it and ready to return. i've been regretting and regretting leaving pca. if i don't go back some of the things i love doing so much will dissappear. no actual fun music-vocal opportunities in tss, no volleyball team i can get into, no friends i can play with everyday and spend the best time, no friends that will never leave you or ignore you, no cheap food. the email julian.soaring_eagle@hotmail.com was inspired by pca. pca is the reason why isaiah 40:31 is my favourite verse. I WANT TO GO BACK. i promised my friends and my teachers miss me and told them too. i just wished we didn't have to pay because my mom kind of expressed more on that when mentioning pca "did you know it costs $9000" but i asked her before if it was okay. but i guess it isn't okay. if i wasn't going to leave, would my mom have forced me. my friend charis said that, well i forget, but she didn't support, help or comfort. she hasn't recently. there are bad and good teachers in pca as there are bad and good teachers in public schools, it evens out.

today

i feel tss just got a bit better
maybe its because i've taken my mind of it and focused more on Christmas
i just adore the happiness and the beauty that Christmas brings with it.
i shared about my conflict with tss and pca at retreat
it was really hard for me to get up there
and i couldn't stop crying over how much i missed pca comfort and friends
and i cried even more when a friend went up and talked about him trying spread christianity to u of t school
remind of me 2 people who left pca
and possible left Christ
i really wished they didn't leave
a lot of things would have been different probably
we could have become closer as friends

a choice made bad?

was it a bad idea to leave pca. maybe. i'm not sure. though i do regret a lot. i miss that comfort, the knowledge of what to expect, the true care and love from the teacher, their knowledge of the truth. when you look at my past you would wonder why i would even want to step into pca, but i don't know i just have this strong attachment to it. i would have never even thought that i would ever leave pca. and here i am now out of the pca comfort zone. not able to play volleyball, see true friends, singing my heart out ..... i actually wanted to go to unionville rather than thornhill because i actually had true friends that i loved very much there and it was closer to being in pca than thornhill is. i was recently thinking of going there next semester or next year, but it looks like i won't have a chance because the only way for me is if i sign up for the arts program in piano/violin. i really want to go back to pca. i hope...........

TC Worship

its been 3 weeks since i got into tc worship
it was an amazing things making into tc worship. every week i look forward to practice, i guess because at TSS its not that fun, its pretty bad. friends aren't really present. i guess its because i came from pca. that environment is just not there, but in tc worship since its small and everyone's devoted to God (and everyone's asian) it feel more at home for me. it would be different for a lot of different people i guess. but with asians, with Christ, with family, that's my home.

Christmas

don't you ever feel the spirit of Christmas in you. do you feel that joy in your heart as Christmas closes in. well i surely do. it feels so good. i am basically a christmas freak. Christmas is my favourite time of year. in basically christmas movies the theme the spirit of giving seems to be presents, but what non-christians don't know, but the spirit of giving comes from God. because on Christmas day, God gave ...... His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ and gave more on easter. Christmas is a time to spend quality time with friends and family (Jesus)

reflection of agape mobs

on friday, i just was not concentrated enough on what was going on in mobs. was it because i left pca or was it because of myself. but in any case, there was a lot of things i may have been wrong in, but one thing is that leaders should look into what they took in as answers and put in their opinions and put them out so people can debate because their answer is not always right. i believe that christians should not be christians because they had pier pressure, but pier pressure is one of things than can push you into the direction of Christ, but not why you are Christian. in my opinion you should never be angry, unless its sinless, but another reason because we our anger would lead to destruction which means its pointless to be angry. I remember a verse in romans where it says to not take revenge, but let God do it because it is His to revenge (it kind of sounds like its his responsibility or duty)

notes and thoughts from AGAPE mobs and TC Worship

Trying our best to live a life for God
Striving to be perfect like Jesus
Fight sin and just LOVE
Love is life, love is God
We give our worship He gives us the Word
Applying God’s word to daily life
Our goal in life is to serve daily for Him, which means Worship is our life (it is also our Faith and devotion, which is commitment, to Him)
At mobs they say that people become Christians by pier pressure, but I feel it really isn’t because of that. Pier pressure is doing what other people are doing for that reason, but being Christian isn’t supposed to always be like. God has a plan for us with Jesus, if He wanted He could have put us in a totally different world and still lead us to Jesus. Pier pressure is supposed to motivate, but it is not the reason for coming to Christ.
Coming together as one to worship Jesus and the Father. To help us get into motion of getting deeper into worshiping God. (Sunday school answer) to be good examples and bring people in the audience to Christ.
Praise/Music Team not worship team because we are all in ONE worship team
Not religious studies, its the Bible, Christianity, and Faith.

missing

you know how it feels to miss someone badly
well to me the person i guess that i miss the most is michael kim
i have not seen him in a long time
i really want to see him again
i really though we had so much fun together in grade 7

sacrifice/change

in life there is always sacrifice, but some don't have to be made like life. if you are sacrifice for someone else its your decision. no one should ever be able to control your life. because all lives are in God's hands. another sacrifice is for others but not in terms of life, but for others benefits or well being. sacrificing a home, time, happiness, etc. I may not have known it, but if i didn't leave PCA my family would probably been in a major financial pit because my sister had to go to university. PCA basically wiped out most family's money, but at least it wasn't all that bad, but most decisions that PCA made we could have lived without. Leaving PCA was my last chance to ever gain the experience at the public school and to test out just what was hard in public school, the work or the pressure. You see PCA to me was my home, not only because i spent literally my entire life there. From JK to grade 9, not only that I usually stayed till 6 at the school everyday. It was my second home. This school year everything changed so much - too much for comfort. I might not be able to handle much more of change...

Doubts

i know it is really hard for all non christians or people who were once christians to really understand how to really believe in Jesus. but you just have to believe, because it doesn't make sense that there is not God because of all creation is too complex to have been created by a bang or to just appear it doesn't make sense. only a being of great power could have done all this. most atheists or non-christians can't believe in a God that lets all the bad things happen in this world. but it is the fact that some mistakes lead to better things. Though God doesn't test, but for me and should be for you a challenge for you have the will power to live through the problem and forget about because God has already forgiven you because He loves us. But the other things that terrible are all part of God's big plan for us. So just believe. i know its hard, but its the fact that every good thing that benefits you and others are because of Him. And I mean good things, not things like revenge that benefit only you.

Feelings (if you don't know me, please don't read)

Terence

- I feel as if he doesn’t want me with him

- He doesn’t talk to me like a friend when i visit pca

- All he says is hi

- He is basically acting like Cecilia from time to time does to me

- Just acting mean like not wanting that particular person there

- I really love him, but does he

- All the time that i’ve spend with him

- He actually hasn’t told me one thing about himself

- It took me so long to actually find out where he lived

- And he wasn’t the one who told me

- I just wanted to know just out of curiosity

- But still he is someone i don’t want to lose

- I still think of him as my friend

- One thing that really hurt was when it was nearing the time of his birthday of grade 9

- Alison was planning movie party

- She didn’t invite me

- They watch hsm 3

- Terence knew how much i wanted to watch

- He knew a long time before his birthday

- He knew that they were gonna watch it

- But he didn’t invite me or ask me

- He just left me without telling me a single thing

- I hang out with him more than most people that were invited

- Yet still i was at my house while they were so close

- The second time was my own birthday

- When he didn’t come

- He said on the phone that he had to do something with his sister

- I spent so much on my birthday

- My birthday was not how i planned it to be

- It fell and rose a bit

- But not enough to heal the damage of my heart

- At least some of friends were there

- I missed Terence at pca. I pca itself

- but i still love his kindness though he does not show it, but i really am sorry for leaving pca

Charis

- She is my love

- Though she might not feel the same way

- But i will certainly always love her

- I wasn’t sure and i’m still not sure if she’s with Adrian

- But i can’t interfere

- I shouldn’t

- I don’t really like breakups

- So i pray for their unity

- Its not good for me to wish for them to break up its not right

- She’s similar to my conditions

- But she’s much better than i am

- She is so wonderful

- Better at than me at everything

- Shes the only person i can talk to fully about my personal life

- I love her

Sarah

- When sarah said she did not like pca i was shocked

- Because pca is where we met it was our past

- It is where the past seems alive

- She was one of four, me, jasmine, Amanda, and her of course

- After jasmine left everything fell apart

- They neglected me

- They made a new friend Olivia

- It was hard time but they accepted me in time

- I kind of miss the old days

- I’ve always missed jasmine

- But we grew apart

- I used to love her, i still do but not in the same way

- I wondered why she didn’t go to church

Cecilia
- when she is with her friends i feel as if she neglects
- but when she is with me alone other than parents and family
- on the most case she is like a very good friend
- she would be my charis when not with her friends and terence when with her friends